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Monkeys on Gurms back

The forum where you can debate the long waits between books in the "A Song of Ice and Fire" saga without being banned or frowned upon (depending on how you choose to word yourself, you *may* expect frowning).

Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby JapieQ » Wed Jan 23, 2013 6:19 pm

I thought I had done this before, but that was only in the NAB-thread. I thought it would be more accessible in a new thread.

On June 1st 2011 Gurm posted a famous monkeys on his back blogpost: http://grrm.livejournal.com/219080.html

It contained the following monkeys (edit: the numbers in the quotes are added by me for easy references):

    1- reviewing pitch proposals and putting together the overplot for the new Wild Cards mosaic novel, LOWBALL,

    2- writing the first draft of my script for episode nine of season two of the HBO series GAME OF THRONES, "Blackwater," and damn, but this one is a bitch of an adaptation, the original author made the damn battle way too big and too expensive,

    3- working on a Nicholas van Rijn story for the Poul Anderson tribute anthology Gardner Dozois and Greg Bear are editing (an especially noisy monkey, since the deadline was today and the story is a long way from being done),

    4- getting back into THE WORLD OF ICE AND FIRE, the long-promised concordance I am doing with Elio and Linda, which is almost three years late at this point, and needs to be finished and delivered by year's end,

    5- roughing out the next Dunk and Egg novella, the next story in the queue after I finished the "Blackwater" script and the Poul Anderson story,

    6- planning for a long summer of travel: the visit to Poland and Slovenia, the book tour, San Diego comicon, worldcon in Reno, Bubonicon, and maybe another trip overseas in the fall for the HBO show, depending,

    7- working on a complete redesign of my website, much needed and long postponed,

    8- supervising and reviewing and approving materials for the games, the cards, the video games, the comic books, the replica swords, the miniatures, etc, etc.

    I am exhausted just typing about it.

    666-And behind all that, of course, lurks Son of Kong: the WINDS OF WINTER.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Before we start addressing these single monkeys, we are going to cross-reference them with another "monkeys on my back" blogpost from 1 year and 22 days later, June 23rd 2012: http://grrm.livejournal.com/283248.html

    666- THE WINDS OF WINTER. Also known as "Son of Kong." Working on it. Lots to do.

    4- THE WORLD OF ICE AND FIRE. The concordance. Elio and Linda are my partners on this one, a compendium of the history and legends of the world of Westeros. A coffee table book, lots of gorgeous art from such talents as Ted Nasmith, Justin Sweet, and others. Making good progress on this one of late, lots of great historical stuff that I think my readers will enjoy. Never before revealed details of Aegon's Conquest, the War With the Faith, The Dance of the Dragons, the Paramours of Aegon the Unworthy, etc.

    3- Poul Anderson story. An original short story for the Poul Anderson tribute anthology. Way, way overdue, but I am getting to it.

    5- Dunk & Egg #4, An original novella of Dunk & Egg. Working on it. Hope to have it done by worldcon. It's scheduled to be published in

    9- DANGEROUS WOMEN. A huge crossgenre anthology that Gardner Dozois and I are doing for Tor. Largely complete, except for Dunk & Egg. Well, we're waiting for three rewrites, but my own story will likely be the last one in, then we can move this one to "done and delivered."

    1- LOWBALL. Volume twenty-two in the Wild Cards series. Working on that one with Melinda Snodgrass, my co-editor. Late, but almost done, a few last sections remain to be completed.

    10- OLD MARS. Original anthology for Bantam, coedited with Gardner Dozois. Three-quarters done, a few stories still due in, three or four rewrites in progress. Not due quite yet.

    11- OLD VENUS. The sequel to Old Mars. Well back in the pipeline, not due for a year.

    12- ROGUES. Big crossgenre anthology I am doing with Gardner Dozois. One story already in, several in progress, but there's lots of time on this one too.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Let the fun begin, and analyze the progress of these monkeys:

1: Lowball, who cares but here we go anyway. He says in this blogpost of august the 5th 2012 in ready. He says mainly thanks to Snodgrass, or as we could interpret it: "Hey bitch be Im famous now so my name on the cover is my work and you do the editing." So when something is done august 5th you'd think it would have a publication date by now. Alas, it is nowhere to be found. My guess is they are still discussing the fontsize of Gurms name on the frontcover.

2: We give credit where credit is due: kudos Gurm you made your first deadline since 1998.

3: Nicholas van Rijn-story. Lol, this story is 1 year and 7 months late. Most writers have written a WHOLE book during this timeperiod. Some of you may remember I am in contact with Bill from Subterranean Press and he offered me to give me money back when I asked for the third update. Mind you, this book was supposed to hit the bookstore fall 2012. Quite an achievement of letting all your colleagues down Gurm. You are officially a fuckwat.

4: Ralinda's fanfiction. In 2011 he says it is THREE years late and should be done by the end of that year (2011). A year later you suddenly hear nothing about a deadline for that book. What an epic fail, but at least here he is dicking Ralinda in the ass so please continue fucking up this deadline here Gurm. You have almost exceeded this one as much as Dance, you can do it!

5: Dunk&Egg, in 2011 he says he will be doing this one after the Blackwater script and the van Rijn story (ref. 1 and 3). Obviously he still hasn't finished the van Rijn story but in 2012 he hopes to have it done by Worldcon. Though he doesn't say which Worldcon let's assume he means the 2012 one, which was early September 2012. Of course his latest blogpost of January 22 he says in the comments he had to "postpone that one," that one being the Dunk&Egg story. No reason given but I'll give you one: not done yet, again disappointing a lot of eager fans who still have faith in the man.

6: Planning trips. Fuck you, that's not a monkey. You have Ty book your airplanetickets (make sure to book 2 seats for Gurm) and hotels, what the fuck else needs to be done? We all know you wouldn't go if you had to arrange any of that fucking stuff yourself. Reading this post of mine it doesn't really look like you need to plan these trips around all the hard work you are doing.

7: Working on a new design for the website, in june 2011. Seriously, I mean fucking seriously.

8: supervising bullshit, giving his approval to critically panned games and bladieblabla. All this monkey contains is the question Gurm asks to whomever searches for his approval: "How much money are YOU giving ME to sell bullshit aSoIaF-related stuff to my delusional fans?" Does not seem that much a troubling monkey to me either, just imagine your job would be people constantly asking you: "Hey, is this ok?" Would be my dreamjob.

9: Dangerous Women. As of January 22, this one is done! But wait a second, instead of getting the Dunk&Egg novella that was promised in this one we get some bullshit stuff he wrote for Ralinda's fanfiction. He says about this book: "This one took longer than we thought it would, mostly because of me (mea culpa)." Oh really Gurm, you think Dozois was perhaps waiting on your Dunk&Egg story? When he found out you weren't halfway through your story he probably started reading your blog and found the only proof of you doing something in the last three years and said: "Fuck it, just give me that. Your sycophants will swallow all the crap you serve them." We can safely assume Dozois did all the work here and again Gurms only job was discussing the fontsize of his name on the cover. Do you guys think he gets paid more if the fontsize gets bigger? Probably so.

10, 11, 12: anthologies noone is waiting for yet we can assume that a) deadlines will be missed, b) fontsizes will be discussed, c) no stories of Gurm will be found.

666: the book that will never be.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There we have it folks. Of the 13 so-called monkeys it seems 4,5 of them are done: the Blackwater script, planning trips, supervising bullshit, and a book that should have had an interesting story of Gurm but ended up otherwise. I consider Lowball half done since the fontsize-negotiations are still going strong.

Shame on you Gurm, shame on you.
Last edited by JapieQ on Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby silentmajority » Wed Jan 23, 2013 6:39 pm

No matter how you look at it, he's set himself up to fail. If all he had to do was get up, and write about life in Westeros he would have been done with the series a few years ago, the books probably would have been better too.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Slynt » Wed Jan 23, 2013 6:55 pm

I'm so sorry but ...

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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Atreyu » Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:06 pm

Thanks, Japie.

Mind. Fucking. Boggling.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Me Loves Jaime » Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:50 pm

Dunk and Egg have been put back indefinitely, he basically given up for now it seems.

To be fair we can't have him getting distracted from the colossal undertaking of writing one paragraph a week for Winds. More monkeys and that paragraph becomes a single sentence!
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby severance » Wed Jan 23, 2013 8:54 pm

Good job, Japie - I know that Job and myself have chronicled Grum's various monkeys, but this is the most succinct. :clap:

To be totally fair to the fat one, you have missed one item out - he's completed his season three script as well. I get the impression he needs to feel involved in the HBO adaptation, and thus he gets assigned the bare minimum they think he can cope with - one script a year.

As for numbers 3 and 5, well he should be fucking ashamed of himself. He isn't, but he bloody well should be - if even these are beyond his capability to turn around, then what hope is there for number 666? None.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Geshtar » Wed Jan 23, 2013 9:03 pm

I remember reading the initial 2011 post. Oh my god, this is just embarrassing. Great work JP, lol

My favorite bit:
7: Working on a new design for the website, in june 2011. Seriously, I mean fucking seriously.

How a multi-millionaire can put a website he has no direct power over on a list of things to do where he employs webmaster or website creation firm to work on it is just... I don't think we have a word for something so out of touch and outrageous.

Didn't they ultimately dump George from that tribute anthology and went ahead to printing? Or am I thinking of something else.

All in all, this is a case study for science.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby graff » Wed Jan 23, 2013 9:07 pm

Wait...

He took that shit he was writing for the sidebars in Ralinda's World of Ice and Fire book and submitted that for his entry in Dangerous Women because he couldn't be arsed to finish an 80-page Dunk & Egg novella in eighteen months?

WHAT. THE. FUCK?
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby JapieQ » Wed Jan 23, 2013 9:28 pm

graff wrote:Wait...

He took that shit he was writing for the sidebars in Ralinda's World of Ice and Fire book and submitted that for his entry in Dangerous Women because he couldn't be arsed to finish an 80-page Dunk & Egg novella in eighteen months?

WHAT. THE. FUCK?


You can't make this shit up Graff. That's the beauty of Gurm.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Rex » Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:17 pm

I really hope they are pissed off about it. I really do.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Kraken's cunt » Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:30 pm

I'm pretty sure they are...
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Karsa » Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:51 pm

Rex wrote:I really hope they are pissed off about it. I really do.


The Mantonsson is whipping The Elio in their kink dungeon as we speak... :spank:
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby scotslass » Wed Jan 23, 2013 11:31 pm

thanks for doing this. It really does just highlight the fact that the guy is doing nothing. Or worse than nothing considering the absolutely appalling standard of the new [Arianne] sample chapter on the website. That was embarassing to read. I start to wonder if perhaps the GRRuM is ill. Then I think no, he just started believing his own publicity. And giving in to what must be natural sloth.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby Kael Edin » Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:33 am

In his sloth we trust. The day he admits he can't go on anymore will be the beginning of a new era for ASoIaF and we'll be finally happy and relieved.
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Re: Monkeys on Gurms back

Postby winteriscomingbitch » Thu Jan 24, 2013 12:24 pm

Karsa wrote:
Rex wrote:I really hope they are pissed off about it. I really do.


The Mantonsson is whipping The Elio in their kink dungeon as we speak... :spank:

You have only yourself to blame for this.
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